Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
