i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
