man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
