I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i love accidental penises.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
