On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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