Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
