Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
