I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
