he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
