I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
