its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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