He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
