after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How naked do you want me to be?
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