I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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