Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
