TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
