yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
