you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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