Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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