i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
