She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
