I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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