Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
