Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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