just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
