She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
