Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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