i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
