Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
