today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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