I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
