I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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