I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
