I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
