there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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