You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
