Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
