Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
