We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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