I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
