is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
