Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
