I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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