I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
