I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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