You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it's like iHOP with fire
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
