I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
