about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
