Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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