: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
