: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
