Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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