it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
