Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
