It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
