we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
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I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
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Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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