you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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