Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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