i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
