I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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