i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
