too bad you live with your parents still
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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